You Might Also Like
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
*pronounces fake like saké*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.