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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.