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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Not today, today.
Not today.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.