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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
my fav colour is also hitler
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*