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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?