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For the orator and chef in all of us
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then