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Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
asking santa clause for nudes
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁