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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it鈥檚 like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
馃煩猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
馃煩馃煩馃煩猬滐笍馃煩
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩馃煩馃煩
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Previously On Persistence 馃槑
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Batman: what鈥檚 your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where鈥檇 the nerd go
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.