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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…