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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
So true for me
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers