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My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I love the honesty
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Trumpy Cat
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above