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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday