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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.