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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.