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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.