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ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.