You Might Also Like
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
step 6: release the wall snake
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
A drum solo but on your face.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!