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oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere