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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon