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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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