You Might Also Like
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.