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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.