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It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.