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I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
much to think about
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.