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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?