You Might Also Like
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.