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*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period