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heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I have never related to a cat more
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.