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GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing