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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.