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Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
only 11 steps left
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Camping tip: No.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand