You Might Also Like
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.