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My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.