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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I already tried new things thanks.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse