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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
his wife is probably gonna see that
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”