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He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
awkward
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry