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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I needed a laugh this morning.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.