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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person