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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
some Old Testament wisdom
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.