You Might Also Like
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.