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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope