You Might Also Like
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
what my late-night hot pocket sees
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
🙅🏻
