You Might Also Like
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet