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I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.