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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
never stops being funny
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
You can’t rush stupid.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
That’s enough internet for the day
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”