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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
wait.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”