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He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I might carry a baby with one hand.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum