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Jurassic park gets weird
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people