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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“I FIXED IT!”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
these can’t be my only options
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch