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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.