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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.