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Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread