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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Not all heroes wear capes…
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.