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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Ha
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.