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My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
can you read it!!??
maan!
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Eating wings is the opposite of flying