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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Great game to play with friends
omg leave her alone
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
they really do be looking like this
Have a lovely day 😊
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard