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I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
My life coach traded me.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?