You Might Also Like
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
