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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Thursday Thought.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
A family that plays together cheats.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it