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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
This makes total sense…
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?