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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice