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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no