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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]