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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.