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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
☠️
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?