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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
😲 WTF? 😆
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩