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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]