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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
thats my bad
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?