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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Omg 🤣
felt that
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I’m not stressed