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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Well, shit
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.