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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Message from the dog groomers
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…