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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football