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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail