Every house has this drawer
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.