Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
You Might Also Like
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.