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“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
what’s really going on
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
become ungovernable
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins