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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
How high do the levels go?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
WHO DID THIS?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?