You Might Also Like
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?