You Might Also Like
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”