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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Most Common Source of Electricity
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd