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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.