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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox