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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
This one, by a wide margin
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Pretty much! 😂👀
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
what the hell girl, sure
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.