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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.