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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*