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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Unmatched
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.