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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.