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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Saw online –
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.