You Might Also Like
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Kids: Stay in school.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.